Why My Friends are Few

If you are my friend at any given moment you might receive a text that will let you glimpse how my brain works. This is probably why I have so few friends.... Please note, all of these texts were all random comments made during a conversation that they didn't belong in, or without any other conversation at all. 

I highly recommend NOT eating grapes while drinking peppermint mocha coffee

Dixie (my cat) viciously disembowls beetles like there is no tomorrow. One single claw, bam! 

Pick up line: "hey have you heard of princesses?" "yeah?" "heres my number if you ever want to be treated like one"


well oggy just discovered ice cream
if he were a normal cat that would the kind of food he likes
but he is OBSESSED with the baked oatmeal muffins. i make i have to lock myself in a room to eat them


I just insulted my officer lol
I told him he was too old to be my pool boy
he got all offended


In other news, this blog will run Wed-Sun with no posts on Mondays or Tuesdays. Because those are my days off and I have a life to live! Sort of. It mostly involves books,mouse-hunting, books, laundry, books, complaining about grocery-shopping, books, making my husband do stuff, and books. Sometimes I eat too - its a glamour-filled existence I tell you! 

I am also considering making one day a week a regularly written post, which will not be regular for this blog, making it the sad, lonely post of the week?

Also - possibly a section or post where you can share your own, lovely, off-the-wall conversations? 

...And That is Why Gingers Have No Souls or Thor is Scottish

• After receiving a most enlightening history lesson from a co-worker I had to share it with Y, as proof that, weird as we may be, reading books helps make you normal....
  
  Me: HAHA ooooooh I have a GREAT story to tell you.
  it involves Aliens and Ben Franklin!

  
  

  Y: ookay...

  
  

  Me: AND [co-worker] swears it is alllll true. Truer than true!

  
  

  Y: wow

  
  

  Me: Yeah. APPARENTLY aliens helped to write the Constitution. And John Adams wanted Ben Franklin to use is "Science ways" to find out if the Aliens destroyed Soddom and Gomorrah with nuclear weapons.
  
  Y: Say what?
  
  Me: Oh the tale isn't done yet! Constintine made up Christianity and the Romans were afriad of the Scottish because Scottish people are devil people.
  
  Y: hahaha!
  
  Me: Oh, and the Romans stole the tree of life from the Scottish which was created when Thor was killed battling the end of the world.
  
  Y: Scottish. huh....
  
  Me: And so the garden of Eden was in devil Scottish country until the Romans stole it from them. 
  And Thor is a Scottish god... apparently.
  
  Y: But Thor is Norweigen...
  
  Me: I know right?
  
  Y: I mean... wow....
  
  Me: Romans are scared of gingers. Ergo the Pope declared that gingers have no souls. That is what I have taken away from this. 
  
  Y: But Gingers don't have souls.
  
  Me: Exactly. So it must all be true!
  
  Y: Well... There you go.

Parenting - Ninja Style

• 
   Y is the mother of twins. I might or might not have offered to buy/smuggle one home with me at one point. Because they are THAT adorable. For the purposes of this blog however, they will be referred to by the very well-thought-out and unique appendages 'Thing 1' and 'Thing 2'. 

  
  

  Y: I hate my internet
  

  
  

  Me: I sorry
  

  
  

  Y: It is messing up so much that it doesn't work
  

  
  

  Me: Boo! That happens here too sometimes. Restart? Kick?
  

  
  

  Y: It has something to do with the wires themeselves... the cables they aren't the right thing or something. 
  

  
  

  Me: ew. Suckage
  

  
  

  Y: and when I have to the router and modem off, they are UNDER Thing 2's bed. I have to sneak in. SNEAK
  
  Me: wow... just. wow.... and laughing a bit. Bust mostly sympathetic. promise.
  I am also picturing you doing ninja rolls. 
  In a mask.
  With swords
  

  
  

  Y: I just did.
  

  
  

  Me: <3
  

  
  

  Y: the kid's head was inches... INCHES from my hands when I reached to touch it.
  I could hear him breathing.
  

  
  

  And that is why we will always be friends!

Harry Potter = The Odyssey

• A discussion about my writing leads to...

  
  

  Me: I don't do sad stuff. I think people who just have to write sad and f'ed up stuff because they think that is the only 'good' writing suck. If you have to write depressing sh*t to make yourself feel like you can express emotion... you got problems son. 

  ...I hated that in creative writing classes.

  ....Everyone wants to be Poe.

  
  

  Y: I really didn't like Poe

  
  

  Me: me either!

  
  

  Y: So dark and dreary. tortured souls... blah blag

  
  

  Me: agreed. Knocking weary... meh

  
  

  Y: And then Thoreau and Walden and transcendentalism and the all seeing eye.
  
  Me: They had awesome quotes though
  
  Y: yes. But I was at the, I hate this stage in life. Liked Homer though. 
  
  
  

  Me: ... just got all teary-eyed watching a Harry Potter trailer recounting the years...

  
  

  Y: Awww. so would I!

  
  

  Me: That's some good lit. right there. Classic. 

Rambo, Hufflepuff and Optimus, Oh my!

One of my nerdy/hipster friends.... (male)


Me: Have you seen the Expendables 2 yet?
T: I haven't yet. I really want too. 
Me: Aww, well it was super uber awesome!
T: I wanna see it!
Me: So full of ridiculously awesome references to all their old movies. It was so perfectly nerd love/hipster 80's style. 
T: LOL. I love how that and the first one are at least honest about the premise. They just want an over the top action movie.
ME"I had to explain to one of my younger cops (20) that the reason it was awesome was because it didn't need CGI like the Avengers, it was just pure badassery like Predator or Rambo etc.... I felt so old!
T: lol, just READING that makes me feel old... but hey! Avengers is awesome too!
Me: hey, I KNOW, but a different kind of awesome. I love the Avengers. Captain America can save me any day. *rawr*.... AND he'd be a gentleman about it .... so heartthrobby
T: lol. I want a Black Widow. She would kick my ass and I would enjoy it. ;)
Me: ROFL


BF again...


Me: I am so clearly not appriciated enough. I just read an AWESOME pickup line on Pinterest and lol'd so my officer wanted to know what was so funny. I told him and he just walked away. 
What is so wrong with: "if you were a transformer you'd be Optimus FINE" ???? that is EPIC
Y: Roflmao!
Me:And he is totally the one who came in here SPECIFICALLY to ask me how to spell 'Hufflepuff'. Which, how can you not spell that? It is phonetic AND a cultural icon of our generation!
Y: Again. Roflmao!

What Best Friends Talk About

My best friend (Y) and I met as college roommates.  It was not love at first sight. We bonded 4 months later over the the Presidential Election between G. W. Bush and Kerry. And by bonded I mean we yelled at each other and the TV the entire night and somehow woke up best friends the next day.

Because we are cool like that.

We are complete opposites in opinions of politics and religion (mostly) and yet we have, at the core, a basic life philosophy that is, in their differences, very similar.

Also, we are both awesome.

These are the type of deep passionate discussions we have:
 Due to a massive issue with the sewer lines and a construction site all bathrooms are closed at my place of work until further notice. We have port-a-potties provided because of the nature of my job, I am not allowed to leave at any point during my shift.

Me: *gags* I know its "girly" but I hate it.
        also I can't go pee right now because the other room that opens into the courtyard has the doors open and      they are singing hymns.
And they could see me go
and hear me.
and I just CAN'T

• Y: Oh
  I'm sorry
  but I'm laughing over here
  
• Me:I know.
  it is soo stupid
  but i can't pee to "yes yes yes oh lord"
  
  
  
  Y: bwhahahahahaha
  
  
  Me: Oh god, can you imagine if they were praying and then they just hear this stream of pee?
  
  
  Y: You do know they have to pee too right?
  
  
  Me: Yes I know. I pee with the door open when B (my hubby) is home all the time. ... cause I'm classy like that ya know.
  
  
  Y: meh, I do that too
  
  
  Me: It disturbs me because the thing smells like medicine
  
  
  Y: the port-a-potty?
  
  
  Me: yes. 
  
  
  Y: well, would you prefer it to smell like ass?
  
  
  Me: But it will by tomorrow. This is a TRAGEDY. There is no consoling me. My peeing time has been RUINED.
  
  
  Y: rofl. I thought you had to pee super fast anyway.
• Me: I do. So it was a precious small window that is destroyed even MORE now.
  
  
  Y: there will be fare worse things to deal with when you become a mum... best to start now.
  
  
  Me: Nope. refuse to believe it. This is the worst ever.
  
  
  Y: rofl
  
  
  Me: Also the punk kids yelled out really loud "JESUS ROCKS" and I wanted to punch them.
  
  
  Y: ??
  
  
  Me: because it scared me and I need to pee so it was scary for that reason too
  
  
  Y: rofl
  Me: it's a good thing we are good friends. Talking about pee and pee related incidents when only one of two women has kids is a good sign of a solid friendship.
  
  
  Y: Why? you'd kick me out for laughing at your distress? No, really. I think you offering to strip for me so I could come visit is a sign of a solid friendship.
  
  
  Me: true.